December and January were tough. I was blue quite a bit. I finally "remembered" that this particular form of blue-ness was simple homesickness.How does one forget what homesick feels like? I've experienced homesickness before. But it never feels like the picture I have in my head of what it should be like.
I keep expecting "homesick" to fill my head full of pictures -- of my house, my mom, my church, the Potomac, my friends, PMTI, etc. I expect it to fill my head full of pictures of things I am "missing".
It doesn't come like that. I get very few mental images and I don't feel a feeling of "missing". What I get is....restless, antsy, leaden, out of sorts, discombobulated. The strongest sensation I get when I'm homesick is of being out of sync.
Because, literally, that's what I am.
Every town, every community, every place has its own rhythm and its own energy. My neighborhood in DC has one, which is part of the larger DC vibe, which is part of the American energetic pattern. I've lived 44 of my 50 years in the US. Of those 44 years, I've lived 22 of them in the metro DC area; 14 specifically in DC. I am strongly attuned to the American vibe with a specific attunement, you might say, to DC. Brisbane, not to mention Australia, don't vibe the same way. I can point to specific differences -- language, food, and customs for example -- but that doesn't point to the deeper thing, the thing that makes me sick for home. Australia and Brisbane move to a different rhythm and a different energy. And it ain't the rhythm and vibe of my soul.
Adapting at a deep level to a new place takes time, more time than most of us expect. In my experience as an Army brat, I'd say at least 2 years (which is a problem when you move, on the average, every 2.5 years like we did!). I can enjoy myself here. I can be grateful for this time here. I can learn how to move around and communicate like I belong here. I can "get" the customs and the ways. I can even fall in love with this place.But I'm not at "home" here. Working to adapt to a different energy/vibe is tiring. It's work. It's trying to go north when everyone else is going northeast. Do-able, but tiring.
It's exacerbated by my Army brat roots. We moved often and there was never really enough time/room to experience all the messy emotions that go with that. So here I am as an adult re-experiencing the loss, the dislocation, the chaos (because my soul apparently never got the message -- or doesn't care -- that this is temporary) and going right back to the way we did it as kids -- shut it down, shove the emotions back in the corner, move forward, "adapt".
Sigh.
And I guess when it gets too tiring I get homesick. Blue. Tired. Out. Of. Sync.
An unavoidable side-effect of being an ex-pat.
Maybe I'll remember that next time....
I'm *still* out of sync after 15 years. It feels like choice, though -- which demands the question: why am I choosing to remain foreign? It's a very complicated question. But at least there's a convenience story in Sydney that's started carrying Diet Dr. Pepper, and Reese's are a lot easier to find than they used to be....
ReplyDeleteThat was to have been "convenience STORE", but maybe "story" is a better word!
ReplyDeleteI know other Americans who have been here that long as well and they would probably agree. I don't know that they're fully Australian either. Is it simply being "foreign"? Is there something different about being an American first?
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's like being raised Roman Catholic. You may have left the church at the first chance you got. Maybe you haven't been to Mass in 30 years and never intend to go again. Perhaps you only vaguely believe in the concept of a god. But if anyone asks you, you do have a religion -- ex-Catholic.
I wonder if being an American is like that. No matter how long you live somewhere else, you still define yourself as (ex-)American.
Myeow.
ReplyDeleteI like your description of being out of synch. One big thing I notice is that it is so difficult to truly "relax" and this leads toward a mental fatigue that contributes.
ReplyDeleteWhen I finally "settled" down in DC - I noticed that every two or three years I felt so restless and homesick. I would think about needing a new apartment, a new job, etc. Finally after a couple of cycles, I realized that it was military brat syndrome. My entire being was used to being uprooted every so often and was reacting to the absence of it!
Naming it gives you power over it! ;o
Oh, yeah, I get the "moving boxes" itch every so often too, though not quite as frequently as I used to. :)
ReplyDelete